Samuel Beckett: fizzle 4

fizzle 4



I gave up before birth, it is not possible
otherwise, but birth there had to be, it was he,
I was inside, that's how I see it, it was he who
wailed, he who saw the light, I didn't wail, I
didn't see the light, it's impossible I should
have a voice, impossible I should have
thoughts, and I speak and think, I do the
impossible, it is not possible otherwise, it was
he who had a life, I didn't have a life, a life not
worth having, because of me, he'll do himself
to death, because of me, I'll tell the tale, the
tale of his death, the end of his life and his
death, his death alone would not be enough,
not enough for me, if he rattles it's he who will
rattle, I won't rattle, he who will die, perhaps
they will bury him, if they find him, I'll be
inside, he'll rot, I won't rot, there will be
nothing of him left but bones, I'll be inside,
nothing left but dust, I'll be inside, it is not
possible otherwise, that's how I see it, the end
of his life and his death, how he will go about
it, go about coming to an end, it's impossible I
should know, I'll know, step by step, impossi-
ble I should tell, I'll tell, in the present, there
will be no more talk of me, only of him, of the
end of his life and his death, of his burial if
they find him, that will be the end, I won't go
on about worms, about bones and dust, no one
cares about them, unless I'm bored in his dust,
that would surprise me, as stiff as I was in his
flesh, here long silence, perhaps he'll drown,
he always wanted to drown, he didn't want
them to find him, he can't want now any more,
but he used to want to drown, he usen't to
want them to find him, deep water and a
millstone, urge spent like all the others, but
why one day to the left, to the left and not
elsewhither, here long silence, there will be no
more L he'll never say I any more, he'll never
say anything any more, he won't talk to
anyone, no one will talk to him, he won't talk
to himself, he won't think any more, he'll go
on, I'll be inside, he'll come to a place and
drop, why there and not elsewhere, drop and
sleep, badly because of me, he'll get up and go
on, badly because of me, he can't stay still any
more, because of me, he can't go on any more,
because of me, there's nothing left in his head,
I'll feed it all it needs.



(Translated by the author)
from Fizzles, S. Beckett, Grove Press, Inc. N.Y. 1976, pp. 31-33