Daniel Charms, 31 Plays, #31.3

The Old Woman - III

On the way to the store I have another idea: why don't I stop by Sakerdon Michailovich's and tell him everything. Maybe together we'll come up with a solution. But I immediately refuse this thought: some things should be done alone, with no witnesses involved.

The store was out of ham, so I bought myself half a kilo of sausages. There was no tobacco either. From the grocery, I went to the bakery.

The bakery was rather crowded and there was a long line. I frowned, but took my place in the line. The line was moving very slowly and then completely stopped moving when a scandal started next to the cash register.

I was pretending I haven't noticed anything, and was looking tenaciously at the back of a young lady standing in line ahead of me. It seemed that the young lady was very curious: she kept on stretching her little neck and went up on her tiptoes, so as to see what was going on at the cash register. Finally, she turned around and asked me:

"Do you have any idea what's going on in there?"

"I am sorry, I don't," I answered as dryly as possible.

The young lady kept turning around and eventually turned at me again and said:

"Could you go and find out what is going on in there?"

"I am sorry, but I don't have the slightest interest," I said even more dryly than before.

"Why not?" exclaimed the young lady. "It delays you as well!"

I didn't answer but slightly bowed my head. The young lady looked at me carefully.

"It is certainly not a man's business to stand in line for bread," she said. "I feel sorry that you have to stand here. You must be a bachelor?"

"Yes, I am a bachelor," I answered a little perplexed, but still bowing my head.

The young lady looked me over again from head to toe and suddenly, touching my sleeve with her finger, said:

"You know what? I'll buy whatever you need and you wait for me outside."

I was completely confused.

"Thank you," I said, "It is very kind of you but really, I can manage."

"No, no, and no," said the young lady, "You go outside. What were you planning on buying?"

"You see," I said, "I was going to buy half a kilo of rye bread, but the cheaper kind. I like it best."

"Great," said the young lady. "Go now. I'll buy it and you can give me the money later."

She even pushed me a little on the elbow.

I came out of the bakery and stood close to the door. The spring sun shines right in my face. I light up my pipe. Such a nice young lady! It is so rare these days. I stand thinking of the young lady, screwing up my eyes, smoking my pipe. She has light brown eyes. She is just adorable!

"You smoke a pipe?" I hear a voice near me. The pretty young lady is handing me the bread.

"Oh, allow me express my gratitude," I say, taking the bread.

"So, you smoke a pipe! I really like that", says the pretty young lady.

And the two of us have the following conversation:

SHE: "Are you buying your own bread?"

ME: "Not only bread; I buy everything myself."

SHE: "And where do you eat?"

ME: "Usually, I cook my own dinner. Sometimes I eat in a pub."

SHE: "Do you like beer?"

ME: "No, I prefer vodka."

SHE: "I like vodka too."

ME: "You do? That's real good news! I would like to have a drink with you some time."

SHE: "And I would really love that."

ME: "Pardon me, but can I ask you a question?"

SHE (blushing intensely): "Of course. Ask away."

ME: "Do you believe in God?"

SHE (surprised): "In God? Yes, of course."

ME: "What would you say to us buying some vodka and going to my place? I live close by."

SHE (provocatively): "Sure, I don't mind."

ME: "Then let's go."

We go into a store and I buy half a liter of vodka. Now I don't have any money left beside some change. We are talking about different things when suddenly I remember that in my room there is an old woman lying dead on the floor.

I look at my new friend: she stands by the counter, looking at some jars of jam. I slowly walk towards the door and leave the store. So it happens that right opposite the store a streetcar stops. I jump in, without knowing its route. On Michailovskaya I get off and go to Sakerdon Michailovich's. I have a bottle of vodka, sausages and bread in my hands.